Improper Christmas Read online

  She blinked — blinked back tears, the hot rush of emotion. It clogged her throat, the word trapped behind the current of affection and desire and promise now between them. Love. She nodded.

  She hadn’t ever expected to find love. Much less in the cold of winter, in a little cottage in the middle of an unfamiliar county.

  “Yes.” Lillian cleared her throat. “Of course I could… because I already do.”

  The way his entire face lightened had her heart bursting with affection.

  “I’m not sure this is logical,” she rushed to add. And hated she needed to voice this reason. “Is it possible to have these feelings in so short a time?”

  She swallowed and shook her head, though she never broke eye contact. “I do wish I understood this better. I’ve been locked away most of my life. I feel as if I don’t know what I should know in such matters.”

  “There’s nothing to know.” His hand cupped her face again. Warmth spread through her at that simple yet so intimate touch. “There is no set time. It’s simply what one feels.”

  “Or what has been arranged in a marriage contract,” she joked with a slight smile.

  “They are not normally so lucky,” he offered, his words serious but eyes dancing with humor.

  Reluctantly, she pulled back. She didn’t want to lose his touch; it warmed her as nothing else ever had. The simple feel of his hand against her cheek made her feel safe. Cherished. But she’d been wrong before — about love, affection. About William, or thought she’d been wrong.

  “Why are we?”

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Perhaps the fates finally smiled upon us,” William said softly.

  Lillian tilted her head skeptically, but he continued to watch her, unperturbed. She drew away, closed off from such openness. Such obvious love. She swallowed, struggled to breathe, to control her wildly beating heart.

  Annoyed with herself, with this instinctual need to shut out her own happiness, Lillian sat straighter. They still sat in her bed, though she was now fully dressed, and Lillian felt as if she hung by a precipice.

  She could fall, disappearing into darkness as she always had. Or she could let herself go and trust William to catch her.

  With a slow inhale, she bared her heart. “I’ve never been so fortunate with the fates.”

  William’s lips quirked the slightest bit, but his gaze remained serious and steady on hers. His hand sought out hers and wrapped around hers. Caught hers. At this realization, Lillian’s fingers flexed hard around his then relaxed into his touch.

  “Neither have I,” he admitted quietly. “Truly. Perhaps they’ve finally taken pity on us.”

  Lillian shook her head. She hastily blinked back tears and looked away. She needed a moment to compose herself.

  “What is it?” he asked, just as softly, with as much understanding as anyone ever listened to her.

  “I half expect, with my luck,” she added ruefully, “and with all that’s transpired, that you’d ask me to be your mistress. Not your wife.”

  Lillian looked at the bedding, her fingers picking at a loose thread. She braced herself for him to confirm her worst fears. Annoyed with her instinctual need to think the worst, she met William’s gaze straight on.

  William did pull back. He sat stiffly, his face a mask of incredulous anger. “I’d never dishonor you so,” he snapped.

  He reached for her again, the mask falling. His work-roughened hand took hers, fingers stroking along her knuckles. “The thought never occurred to me. And I don’t want you to worry about such a sordid affair. What we have will never be sordid.”

  Shocked at his vehemence, Lillian blinked. Slowly, as if each muscle moved individually, her lips curved into a smile. Her heart felt lighter than it ever had. Emboldened, she leaned forward, somewhat surprised at how little distance remained between them.

  Her lips moved slowly over William’s, tasting, testing. It was a heady sensation, feeling another’s lips against hers, the taste of him, the feel of his cool lips as they gave way to the heat of his tongue.

  William deepened the kiss, shifting her closer to him until Lillian knelt on the bed to wrap her arms around his shoulders. Her fingers tentatively touched the back of his head, combing through the hair at the nape of his neck.

  Every touch, each sensation, sent flashes of awareness through her.

  With more reluctance than she ever thought she possessed, Lillian pulled back. She licked her lips, tasted him there, and watched his beautiful blue eyes blacken at the movement. The look made her stomach flip. Lillian wanted very much to kiss him again. Wanted this almost unbearably pleasant feeling humming through her veins to continue.

  “Perhaps,” she said breathlessly, “a touch sordid.”

  William laughed, but didn’t move from her arms. She liked that. Oh, she loved his laugh, but she liked that he stayed in her arms, his own tightly banded around her.

  With a swift peck on her lips, he pulled back. Lillian tried not to pout. She wasn’t entirely certain she succeeded.

  “You should keep up your strength,” he told her.

  William pulled the tray across the bedding, somehow still upright despite their movements on the bed. She dutifully took several spoonfuls of the lukewarm stew and finished a cupful of tea.

  When she looked back up at him, Lillian forgot all about food.

  His dark eyes watched her with a steadiness, with an intensity that sent her skin alight. Lillian licked her lips, and his gaze followed the movement. She didn’t know how it happened, who moved first. She’d never had a romance or been in a position where anything like this could happen.

  In a blur, William picked up the tray and set it on the floor. Nerves danced in her belly as Lillian watched, but she didn’t move. She wanted this. She wanted William. Never in her life had she been so certain of one thing.

  She loved William Pennington.

  This wasn’t a girlish infatuation or a flirtation. This wasn’t what she once envisioned she and Edmund might have, the cordial relationship of the ton. What lay between she and William was real.

  It breathed with every breath she took and beat to the pounding of her heart. She didn’t know when it turned so real. Had it been days ago? Or simply last night? But she knew their love was real.

  Lillian didn’t wait for him to move, but met him halfway. No longer the tentative brush of lips, the soft deepening of a kiss, now it was hard. She whimpered against his mouth, her fingers pressing against his shoulders.

  William’s hands tangled in her hair, and the desperate possession of the feeling sparked something deep inside her.

  Proper? Demure? Modest? Gone in the heat burning through her veins. Lillian wanted to feel, wanted the caress of William’s hands on her bare skin. Breathing heavy, she pulled back just enough to look at him.

  “There’s no turning back,” she panted, her chest tight with anticipation and nerves and love. It warmed her and curled through her, and while she wanted nothing more than to throw what little caution remained to the wind, too often she’d been denied her own choices.

  She’d never do that to William.

  His large hands framed her face and his gaze looked straight into her, as if he read her soul. “Never. You’re stuck with me.”

  Lillian might’ve been embarrassed by the sound she made to his declaration. The whimpering hum of agreement. Of pure joy. Of this new sensation of arousal. She was not. Embarrassment had no place between them.

  Next time she wanted to undress William, to see each part of his body revealed to her. To press her lips to every newly exposed inch of skin. This morning, with the sunlight brightly streaming into her bedroom and the fire burning low in the grate, all Lillian wanted was to feel him against her.

  Her dress landed in a pool on the floor behind her, and the heavy wool stockings followed. Lillian stopped. Biting her lip, she met William’s eyes. Well, her own gaze made its slow way up his bare chest before she met his gaze. The dark passion with which h
e watched her, the hunger she found there.

  All her breath left her at once. “Oh.” Lillian didn’t know if she said that aloud or not.

  Whatever shyness she felt vanished beneath the heat in William’s gaze. Her fingers trembled, nipples already hard and aching for what? For his touch, for something she didn’t know or understand but wanted so very much to discover.

  Lillian hesitated for a heartbeat. She was unmarried and though she loved William, she still wasn’t entirely certain…

  But then he looked at her; his dark blue eyes caught and held her gaze. He wanted her, she knew that clearly enough. But the way he watched her held more than mere lust. The way he cared for her these last days was more than a way to seduce her.

  She tossed the chemise over her head. Unmarried or not, Lillian loved William, wanted him, and she refused to allow any thoughts of how improper this was. Because it might’ve been improper, but it was wholly appropriate between two people who loved each other.

  Taking a deep breath, Lillian knelt before him naked and aroused and not at all embarrassed. A little shy, she thought when she heard his breath hiss in. She ducked her head but forced her hands to remain at her side, not to cover her body.

  She should give more thought to her situation but honestly didn’t care. She wanted this.

  “You have nothing to be shy about,” he whispered as if he read her mind. He drew her to him, his calloused fingers on her soft skin.

  Lillian shivered at the touch even as she arched into him, her skin prickling for more. She licked her lips and wondered where the courage to admit her past came from. “I… William, you’re the first man I’ve ever kissed. I don’t… ” She swallowed but looked up. Met his gaze.

  He knelt directly before her, so close now. “I won’t hurt you,” he promised.

  “I know.” The words left her mouth before she thought about them. They were true, so honest, it didn’t matter.

  William grinned, a slow pull to his lips that held more desire and passion than humor. Oh. How could she want him more than a moment ago? How could he look at her and she want more? But she did; it pooled low in her belly, a sharp, hungry tug she ached to quench.

  “I want to taste you,” he breathed against the side of her bare neck.

  Lillian nodded, unable to form words. She had only a vague idea what he meant by that, but trusted him. If she trusted him with her heart, she could do so with her body.

  He held her so gently, so tenderly, but his mouth demanded. His kiss deepened, taking and taking, though his hands framed her face as if she were the most precious creature on the planet. Lillian didn’t know how it happened, but one minute they knelt in the center of the bed, kissing as if life demanded it, and the next she lay flat on her back.

  “Oh,” she breathed and chuckled for a heartbeat. “I hadn’t… ”

  She trailed off, not sure how to finish that sentence. She hadn’t expected it, but then realized how foolish the words sounded.

  “Hmm?” William asked and stretched out beside her.

  One hand trailed down her body, his fingers light caresses over her skin. He kissed down her neck, his teeth nipping the sensitive skin.

  “We’ll go slow,” he promised. “I won’t rush you.”

  Lillian nodded, unable to form words. His fingers swept over the side of her breast, and she jumped at the unexpected contact. She shivered when he moved his hand away and suddenly wanted more.

  His lips brushed over her breast, along the tops of each of them then down, kissing every inch of skin. He nipped on the underside of her breast, and Lillian gasped, arching into him.

  “Yes?” William asked, his mouth still moving over her breast. “Enjoy that?”

  “Yes,” Lillian managed and utterly gave herself over to everything William did. Every touch, every kiss — she wanted it all and more. “Oh, yes.”

  Her breasts felt heavy, her nipples hard and aching for his touch. She licked her lips but wasn’t certain how to ask him for more. Instead, she threaded her fingers through his hair and held him close. Closer.

  He rolled her onto her back, and she automatically widened her legs to accommodate his body. She cradled him to her, the hardness of his hips and thighs, of him. Releasing his head, even as he took one tender nipple into his mouth, she let her fingers trail down his back.

  Over his spine and along his hips. She wanted to explore his body as he did hers, but floated in a haze of sensation. Of light caresses and sharp teeth against sensitive skin.

  His teeth closed over her nipple and tugged.

  “Oh!” She gasped. “William.”

  The wet heat of his mouth closed over her nipple, and Lillian struggled for breath. She never imagined being able to feel this, as if every nerve came to life and reached for more. Even when she thought of marriage, she never imagined it’d be this intimate.

  With William, Lillian wasn’t shy or inhibited. She wanted and wanted only William to show her, teach her. To make love to her.

  Lillian rocked against him, desperate for that elusive more. He groaned against her breast, pulling back to look at her. His blue eyes darkened and drew her into their depths, his hunger unmistakable now. Without a word, William bestowed the same torturous sensation on her other nipple.

  Lillian forgot how to form words.

  William kissed down her belly, and though she wanted to redirect him back to her nipples, even harder in the cold air, she was helpless to do more than surrender to his touch.

  She stiffened when he kissed just below her belly button.

  “Do you want me to stop?” he asked, his breath a touch of warmth on her overheated skin. “I will if you want me to.”

  Struggling onto her elbows, Lillian looked down her body at William. A position she never envisioned before.

  “No.” The word caught but not because it was a lie. Because she felt utterly shameless with William between her legs, his fingers and mouth hovering over her most intimate area. “No, don’t stop.”

  That slow, wicked smile spread over his lips again, and William dipped his head. He kissed along her inner thigh, his fingers gentle on her hips. She jerked at the first ghost of his hot breath on her dampness.

  William’s tongue flicked gently against her and Lillian cried out his name, her hands clenching in his hair. He grunted, in surprise or pain she didn’t know, but she needed the purchase, needed to feel grounded as his tongue did that delicious thing again. Frantic, she scrambled for the bedding, clutching at it even as one of his fingers pressed gently into her core.

  “Lillian, look at me.” His voice was gravelly, low and compelling.

  She forced eyes open she didn’t remember closing and once more looked down her body at him. The whimper escaped her tight control, and she clamped her lips together even as she opened herself further to him.

  “I want to taste you.” He kissed her again. “I want to feel you.” His finger slipped fully into her, and her entire body shuddered at the glorious intrusion. “I want to hear you cry out with your orgasm.”

  Her breath stopped, but she felt herself nod.

  She held her breath and watched him. Felt the wet rasp of his tongue on her overheated skin, his breath hot, lips soft against her. Her breath sighed out, an unsteady sound that did nothing to help her find her equilibrium again.

  Lillian tried to relax, but pleasure built and built, a tension within her she never knew existed. William’s breath blew out in a pant along her sensitive flesh, and his hand settled behind her knees.

  And still he didn’t stop. A second finger entered her, stretched her, and Lillian keened, climbing higher and higher along a precipice, and still her body throbbed for more.

  “William,” she gasped, her hips moving against his touch, his mouth. “I can’t… I don’t know… ”

  “Let go, Lillian,” he spoke against her, and she whimpered.

  His fingers moved with shallow thrusts within her, and Lillian fell. Or flew. She felt as if her entire body shatt
ered and only vaguely heard herself cry out William’s name.

  When she opened her eyes again, his lips glistened and his fingers still moved inside her. Lillian didn’t know whether to be embarrassed or stretch in languid pleasure.

  William kissed back up her body and licked her nipples. His hands held her hips, his thumbs rubbing small circles on her sensitive skin. He pressed into her thigh, his hardness an erotic reminder that there was more to come.

  “Do you want to stop?” he asked into her shoulder.

  “No,” she said in a rush.

  Lillian felt him grin against her skin but felt far too wonderful to be embarrassed over her eagerness.

  “I want you,” she admitted and deliberately moved her hips against him.

  William growled, and the sound rumbled straight through her. Once more her body tingled with anticipation, wanting that magnificent flight of almost unbearable pleasure.

  She felt one hand leave her body, but then his hardness slipped into her. With a deliberateness she hadn’t realized she needed, William entered her.

  “Oh,” she said, her breath caught in her chest at the unexpected twinge of pain.

  But then he moved, just slightly deeper, and she said in a rush of pleasure, “Oh, that feels wonderful.”

  Lillian felt his tongue on her overheated skin, his lips kiss over her shoulder and up the side of her neck. His breath was hot on her skin yet made her shiver. She exhaled shakily and and tried to relax.

  “Good,” he said, and he slipped his tongue between her lips. He still moved, slowly, each shallow thrust pushing him deeper and deeper into her.

  William pulled back again and entered her just as slowly. Lillian adjusted her hips, rolling them against his and watching as his eyes darkened further, jaw clenched.

  He moved in a slow, deep rhythm with a sort of determination, one that focused solely on her. Lillian forced her fingers to move from the bedding to him; she wanted to feel his back muscles move against her fingertips.

  One hand slid down her hip, over her thigh, and lifted her higher, tighter against him.

  “William,” Lillian sighed, flexing her fingers on his back.